Sleeping Well in No Man's Land
We've really entered this weird limbo. It feels like one foot is already gone. People stop calling. The house might as well be empty. In my mind, I am already wearing skirts and drinking iced tea. It is very hard not to perceive every interacton or event in relation to the fact that we are leaving. If its good, I will miss it. If its bad, well, I won't have to deal with it much longer.
I wonder how my perceptions of life here will change once we get to Chapel Hill. Will it be so exciting to be getting things going in a new place that Berlin will be easily forgotten? Will everything be compared to how things were here? And how does it work with memory? How will reality now be seen five months, a year, two years from now? Will the memory be realistic? Will it be idealized or dismissed? Will it be exciting for a little while and then that itch to move will return again? That has more or less been the pattern our lives have followed up to this point. Having children in school might anchor us a little more...but you never know. Our escape plan involves NYC. That is, if we totally freak out about small town life, we will just head north after a short time. Somehow though, I don't think that will happen.
It is such a strange feeling to know that life will be so different, down to the air we breathe and the food we eat. At times it is a relief, at times it is scary. There are moments when I feel like a runaway or that I won the lottery or that I am going undercover...all of these kinds of situtions where there is a fresh start, a clean slate. It isn't easy of course, but it is amazing, and very humbling, to see how easily life can change if you want it to.
And its interesting to hear the reactions of people when we tell them we are moving to the U.S. I'd say that 8 times out of 10, the expression is something like: "Now, why in the hell would you wanna go and do that??!!" People are openly very critical of the U.S., which of course I can understand in many ways...but I also want to hear positivity, reassurance...hearing all the negative things, when I know in my heart this is the right decision, is oddly confusing or maybe just frustrating.
Still, life is here for now, and I am trying to stay aware of that. Less than two months to go.
A couple of random thoughts to close:
Do you think a child's cuteness is in direct proportion to his or her dependency on parents? Are older kids less cute to their parents? Are really old kids, like myself, totally uncute to their parents because they are more or less totally self-sufficient?
My husband did the infamous sleep program last week with our 15 month old. She went from self-service at the breast all night long to sleeping totally perfectly all night in her bed in three nights. Hats off to the papa.
In addition, we have begun to bribe the five year old so she'll stay in her bed too. So, now we have had a couple of nights of totally childfree, uninterrupted sleep, and MAN DOES IT FEEL GOOD! The last couple of nights in bed I have felt like I was on an island wellness retreat for one. Stretching out in those sheets any damn way I please and not having someone sucking on one breast and tweaking the other is GREAT! More rest=more energy=crazier mama. Wahoo!
That all for tonight. Good night. Love, Mama Jens
I wonder how my perceptions of life here will change once we get to Chapel Hill. Will it be so exciting to be getting things going in a new place that Berlin will be easily forgotten? Will everything be compared to how things were here? And how does it work with memory? How will reality now be seen five months, a year, two years from now? Will the memory be realistic? Will it be idealized or dismissed? Will it be exciting for a little while and then that itch to move will return again? That has more or less been the pattern our lives have followed up to this point. Having children in school might anchor us a little more...but you never know. Our escape plan involves NYC. That is, if we totally freak out about small town life, we will just head north after a short time. Somehow though, I don't think that will happen.
It is such a strange feeling to know that life will be so different, down to the air we breathe and the food we eat. At times it is a relief, at times it is scary. There are moments when I feel like a runaway or that I won the lottery or that I am going undercover...all of these kinds of situtions where there is a fresh start, a clean slate. It isn't easy of course, but it is amazing, and very humbling, to see how easily life can change if you want it to.
And its interesting to hear the reactions of people when we tell them we are moving to the U.S. I'd say that 8 times out of 10, the expression is something like: "Now, why in the hell would you wanna go and do that??!!" People are openly very critical of the U.S., which of course I can understand in many ways...but I also want to hear positivity, reassurance...hearing all the negative things, when I know in my heart this is the right decision, is oddly confusing or maybe just frustrating.
Still, life is here for now, and I am trying to stay aware of that. Less than two months to go.
A couple of random thoughts to close:
Do you think a child's cuteness is in direct proportion to his or her dependency on parents? Are older kids less cute to their parents? Are really old kids, like myself, totally uncute to their parents because they are more or less totally self-sufficient?
My husband did the infamous sleep program last week with our 15 month old. She went from self-service at the breast all night long to sleeping totally perfectly all night in her bed in three nights. Hats off to the papa.
In addition, we have begun to bribe the five year old so she'll stay in her bed too. So, now we have had a couple of nights of totally childfree, uninterrupted sleep, and MAN DOES IT FEEL GOOD! The last couple of nights in bed I have felt like I was on an island wellness retreat for one. Stretching out in those sheets any damn way I please and not having someone sucking on one breast and tweaking the other is GREAT! More rest=more energy=crazier mama. Wahoo!
That all for tonight. Good night. Love, Mama Jens
posted by mama jens at 11:56 AM
4 Comments:
Jen ... If it feels right in your heart then all will be fine. North Carolina is a wonder-filled place for children to expereince. They will have all that beautiful outdoor space and bright sun and fresh air ... and you will be there to make the needed course corrections should the southern conservative thing start to settle in ...
Europeans ask me the same thing they are asking you just in reverse, "Why would you move to Germany?" ... people who don't move don't understand those of us who do ...
And you're right - you probably won't get up to NYC as often as you might think - but there are lots of great places to see nearby ... and don't forget the Atlantic Ocean ... Cape Hatteras, Nag's Head, the Outer Banks ... places where memories are made.
Mama Jens, You know, Berlinbound's right. I mean, if you know in your heart that it's the right choice you've made, then don't let others bother you with their bickering and their I-Just-Can't-Understand-Your-Decision-And-I-Think-I Know-Better-Than-You.
You'll do just great in Chapel Hills. Just make sure you keep blogging. :)
Yes, please keep blogging, Mama Jens!!!! Whether Chapel Hill is the place for you or not, in the long run, we want to hear all about it!
Anon
girl ... we need some info here!
hope all is well in your world ...
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